Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Happy New Year For Who?
Have you ever felt like the rug was literally pulled out from under you?
When I left work yesterday, I was on top of the world. I had two and a half days off to do whatever I wanted. Most likely: party, see some friends, play cards online, watch movies, whatever. It was supposed to be like having a weekend in the middle of the week! I was super psyched.
Hours later and I’m hanging out with Paul, drinking a vodka/red bull and loving my life. I downloaded music, made some phatty new mixes and spent a good twenty minutes dancing my ass off to Missy Elliot’s Lose Control anthem. I just love that Ciara.
Then Paul and I had one of the biggest fights of our relationship. It was ugly and sad and left me shaking until 5am when I finally went to bed on the couch.
Today.
Today I woke up at 3pm to my friend Mariah calling. She explained that she would be arriving at my apartment earlier than expected. I had to wipe the crust out of my eyes and shower and get my act together. Paul and I had a sincere apology-fest and before I could put all of that aside, the doorbell rang and in walked Mariah.
Mariah is one of my best friends on this planet. That being said, I haven’t seen her face since the middle of August. You wouldn’t think that we live down the street from each other. In fact, based on the amount of times we’ve hung out over the last 6 months, you wouldn’t think that we lived in the same city.
So we sit and we chat for a couple of minutes. Then it comes. The moment when she says “I have something huge to tell you”.
The last time she said this to me was earlier this year when she dropped the bomb that she had her girlfriend’s name tattooed on her hip. Since its 2005, I don’t need to get into the fact that we don’t tattoo names on hips (no matter what and no matter who), but for Mariah, this was a logical and necessary step in her relationship. It took me a long time to fully understand why, but I eventually got it. Or accepted it. Either or.
So imagine my surprise when she says to me “Jessica (her girlfriend of two years) has proposed to me and I’ve said ‘yes’”.
I
sat there
like
this.
“You’re getting what?” I said.
“We’re getting married and I know for a fact that she’s the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
I
sat there
like
this.
“Ok, but I was under the impression that things weren’t going that well…”
“What do you mean? We’ve never been better.”
“But…”
But.
I had to make the decision to keep my opinion to myself, because it’s not my life and it’s not my choice. If Mariah wants…or…feels fulfilled by marrying Jessica, then how dare I have any sort of opinion? I must support, as best friends do.
So that’s what I did.
Now…within hours, my brother calls me to tell me that he is proposing to his girlfriend, Nina. Not only that, but in the next couple of weekends, he has asked me to help him put it all together. Obviously, I don’t want my little brother getting married right now. I’m two years older and I’m in the process of walking away from a 6-year relationship. My little brother (who’s been in this relationship for 2 years) is going to get married too?
Ok.
I called my friend Rita. I called my friend Kelly. I called my friend Angie. I wanted SOMEONE to talk to…someone to cry to.
Yet, I guess it was too late, cuz no one called back.
So I sat here and I just cried. I cried and I cried and Paul came home from work and (will wonders never cease?) he held me while I cried some more.
I can’t fully explain why I’m so upset. I just know that I am.
So much has changed in my life and with the people that I would consider my “lifelines”.
All of a sudden, I’m not the star of the movie anymore. My closest friends are moving on with their lives. But I feel that they’re moving on without me. I feel that they’re no longer my closest friends.
Cuz…
Why didn’t I see this coming? Why didn’t I know that Jessica would propose to Mariah? Why didn’t I believe that my brother and his girlfriend were next?
WHY am I so fucking sad about it all?
Maybe none of this makes sense. Or maybe it ALL makes sense.
I don’t know.
All I do know is that after I wiped my tears and blew my nose and put Paul to bed, I thought “Who can I talk to that won’t criticize me, but will also listen with an open ear?”
And you know where I found the answer?
This journal.
Have you ever felt like the rug was literally pulled out from under you?
When I left work yesterday, I was on top of the world. I had two and a half days off to do whatever I wanted. Most likely: party, see some friends, play cards online, watch movies, whatever. It was supposed to be like having a weekend in the middle of the week! I was super psyched.
Hours later and I’m hanging out with Paul, drinking a vodka/red bull and loving my life. I downloaded music, made some phatty new mixes and spent a good twenty minutes dancing my ass off to Missy Elliot’s Lose Control anthem. I just love that Ciara.
Then Paul and I had one of the biggest fights of our relationship. It was ugly and sad and left me shaking until 5am when I finally went to bed on the couch.
Today.
Today I woke up at 3pm to my friend Mariah calling. She explained that she would be arriving at my apartment earlier than expected. I had to wipe the crust out of my eyes and shower and get my act together. Paul and I had a sincere apology-fest and before I could put all of that aside, the doorbell rang and in walked Mariah.
Mariah is one of my best friends on this planet. That being said, I haven’t seen her face since the middle of August. You wouldn’t think that we live down the street from each other. In fact, based on the amount of times we’ve hung out over the last 6 months, you wouldn’t think that we lived in the same city.
So we sit and we chat for a couple of minutes. Then it comes. The moment when she says “I have something huge to tell you”.
The last time she said this to me was earlier this year when she dropped the bomb that she had her girlfriend’s name tattooed on her hip. Since its 2005, I don’t need to get into the fact that we don’t tattoo names on hips (no matter what and no matter who), but for Mariah, this was a logical and necessary step in her relationship. It took me a long time to fully understand why, but I eventually got it. Or accepted it. Either or.
So imagine my surprise when she says to me “Jessica (her girlfriend of two years) has proposed to me and I’ve said ‘yes’”.
I
sat there
like
this.
“You’re getting what?” I said.
“We’re getting married and I know for a fact that she’s the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
I
sat there
like
this.
“Ok, but I was under the impression that things weren’t going that well…”
“What do you mean? We’ve never been better.”
“But…”
But.
I had to make the decision to keep my opinion to myself, because it’s not my life and it’s not my choice. If Mariah wants…or…feels fulfilled by marrying Jessica, then how dare I have any sort of opinion? I must support, as best friends do.
So that’s what I did.
Now…within hours, my brother calls me to tell me that he is proposing to his girlfriend, Nina. Not only that, but in the next couple of weekends, he has asked me to help him put it all together. Obviously, I don’t want my little brother getting married right now. I’m two years older and I’m in the process of walking away from a 6-year relationship. My little brother (who’s been in this relationship for 2 years) is going to get married too?
Ok.
I called my friend Rita. I called my friend Kelly. I called my friend Angie. I wanted SOMEONE to talk to…someone to cry to.
Yet, I guess it was too late, cuz no one called back.
So I sat here and I just cried. I cried and I cried and Paul came home from work and (will wonders never cease?) he held me while I cried some more.
I can’t fully explain why I’m so upset. I just know that I am.
So much has changed in my life and with the people that I would consider my “lifelines”.
All of a sudden, I’m not the star of the movie anymore. My closest friends are moving on with their lives. But I feel that they’re moving on without me. I feel that they’re no longer my closest friends.
Cuz…
Why didn’t I see this coming? Why didn’t I know that Jessica would propose to Mariah? Why didn’t I believe that my brother and his girlfriend were next?
WHY am I so fucking sad about it all?
Maybe none of this makes sense. Or maybe it ALL makes sense.
I don’t know.
All I do know is that after I wiped my tears and blew my nose and put Paul to bed, I thought “Who can I talk to that won’t criticize me, but will also listen with an open ear?”
And you know where I found the answer?
This journal.
